Wrecked and Restored - thoughts during holy week!

The Lord has been teaching me about humility these days! As my pastor says: "I wanna learn to walk with my face to the carpet..."

It's never an easy lesson....in fact it's messy and involves much self-reflection, evaluation, severe struggle, and always repentence. But it carries with it freedom, grace, mercy, and extreme love and is coupled with trust, obedience, and surrender.

The moment I realized I was acting within my own strength and outside of God's will (which I'll admit, took a while for me to see clearly - scary!), I was filled with an urgency to "get right" with God like never before! Conviction came when I decided that I didn't want to settle for being "in the middle" of darkness and light, of wrong and right, or of who I was and who He's making me. I don't want to be "in the middle" of the altar and the door, the safety of the boat and the crashing waves, His will and my plans, my faith and my hands......I only want to be in the middle of His PRESENCE!

I've tasted and seen that the LORD IS GOOD! I've been to the mountaintop! I've feasted at the table! I've seen the land of milk and honey! I know that there is abundant life! I will not compromise or settle for the middle, for less than His best, for anything other than His dreams for my life! I trust that they are better than ANYTHING I can ever think of or imagine!

The road here was not easy and I am not proud of things I've done in straying from my Savior. It is so true of the ancient hymn that we are "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love..."

Praise God that we can come to Him and beg: "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above!"

So, during this holy week of reflection on the cross, the crucifixion, the death of our Savior for our wretchedness......He has shown me things that He wants me to "die" to.....to put to death in me....to crucify in my old nature....

But He doesn't ask me to STAY there.....in the death of things.....He offers LIFE.....a resurrected life of abundance! We can identify with the crucifixion so that we can live in amazement of the resurrection! What a mighty God we serve!

In the past 10 days, the Lord has wrecked and restored me.....and the process is ongoing! It's a daily wrecking sometimes.....but I have to suffer through it so that He may receive the glory on the other side! So that I may boast in His restoration of my brokenness. So that in humilty I can know the strength and POWER of His unfailing and everlasting LOVE!

Be willing to let God do ANYTHING that He needs to do in you so that He can do EVERYTHING He wants to do through you! I guarantee it's always worth it! There's a harvest to be gathered.....the workers are few! Prepare yourself for MORE of God this week before Easter. Be ready for His wrecking and restoring....to God be the glory!

Here is a song that has resonated in me today....it's called "Have Your Way" by Andrew Peterson. It's off his latest album called "Resurrection Letters Vol. II"!
The lyrics are such a beautiful prayer of surrender and humilty!

Have Your Way

Father, hear me now when I am humbled
I fear that I will soon forget
Now I have no stength to stand and stumble
I have no wish to leave You yet
Oh Holy Father, hear me now
When flesh is strong and spirit weak
Please break my back when I won't bow
Won't You have Your way with me

Father, hear me now when I am humbled
When I am bent with holy shame
All the lies that I believed have crumbled
The blood of Christ my only plea
I cannot trust my own designs
My heart is prone to disobey
So listen Lord while there is time
Chain me fast if I won't stay
Take my life and have Your way

Please hear me Lord this blessed hour
When sin has loosed it's hold on me
Thy mercy is a mighty tower
So why should I not trust in Thee
Father have Your way with me

Bread and Wine

Today during communion, I was struck by these song lyrics from "How Deep the Father's Love For Us":


Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

I identified quickly with the crucifixion this morning, and rejoiced in the resurrection.......not only of Jesus Christ, but of this wretched sinner that He raised from the dead as well.......

Therefore, I have no reason to be discouraged, no reason to be downcast...no reason not to worship the Living God who gives all good things to those who love Him......

I admit that I have been discouraged lately, and I confess that here and openly recognize it, refuse it, and replace it with HOPE!! May the words of MY mouth and the meditations of MY soul, be pleasing to the Lord! He is the God of ALL comfort and encouragement!!

This morning I remembered Christ through the sacrament of communion......and I asked Him to forgive my troubled heart and move me higher up, further in, and deeper still.....for the glory of His name!

Ponderings From an Older Mind

So, this birthday has felt heavier than most....I've had a roller coaster of emotions in regards to life, creation, age, weight, love lost, and evaluation of my present and current circumstances....and it all comes back to this: I'm 36, single, and satisfied in my Savior (although I don't often live like it!)

Tonight in a prayer meeting we talked of being "anchored in Love".....as I thought about this, the Lord reminded me that to be "anchored in Love" is to be anchored in the gospel, which is to be anchored and rooted in Christ, which is to be connected to God by the power of the Holy Spirit.....because ultimately, God is love and God is perfect....and "perfect love drives out fear" 1 John 4:18......it all comes full circle.....

So, I won't be afraid of loving God more, loving others more boldly, loving myself, and receiving love from Christ Himself and through others......I pray this for each of you as well......be anchored and rooted in love in all you say, think, and do.......it's never easy, but we are called to things such as this....and without love, we are truly nothing but a "clanging gong"!

As I was driving home, the song "I Am" came on my ipod by Nichole Nordeman and these words moved me to tears (as they usually do):

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

And When I was weak unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I Am”

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I Am”

When I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I Am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I Am, yes, I Am.”

*He is everything to me and I pray that this coming year I will start to truly live and act like it......blessings to all of you who bless me with your friendship and unyielding love! Cheers to another year of worshipping and serving our great and awesome God!

**the above pictures are two of my childhood birthdays (always memorable with many "bunny" cakes - thanks mom!) and the birth announcement that my mom made when I was born and my dad was still in college working on his PhD! Good times!

Norway Bound

Wow, so in one week I'll be taking my first "overseas" adventure, starting with a long, all night plane ride. It's starting to become real to me that I am actually going. I'm beginning to get excited and nervous. I'll be travelling alone, so I'm a little nervous. But I can't wait to see the Norwegian countryside. I'm really looking forward to the College of Prayer (www.collegeofprayer.org) and joining my pastor and his wife in ministry.

"The College of Prayer is a ministry of the Revival Prayer Institute, Inc. established to mentor Christian leaders who will reach a lost world through a revived church. We are a faith ministry organized exclusively for the purpose of mentoring and encouraging pastors, wives, Christian leaders, missionaries, intercessors - all who desire to more effectively impact their world through fervent revival prayer, prayer evangelism, intercession, and worship. "

I am honored to have a chance to be a part of this.....as I understand it, my role on the Norway trip will be to be available to pray with women during extended prayer and worship times, to listen to God on their behalf, and possibly a chance to participate in worship through singing and playing guitar......

I know this is not a normal "missionary trip" as it is mostly Christian workers, pastors, and leaders who attend these conferences for the purpose of revival and refreshment with the Lord......I am humbled to be able to pray and minister to them.....it excites me that there are people who care so much for God's children and His sheep that they would come just to be renewed so that they can keep standing firm in praying for the lost and encouraging the saved.......I think it is so important to equip the equippers......we all need to be filled and refreshed so that we can continue to harvest the ripened field and participate in the building of God's kingdom here on earth......

These are the prayers of my heart as I prepare my heart, will, and mind:

-for the eyes of my heart to be enlightened so that I might be used in the lives of these people
-for safe travels and against fear of the unknown (foreign country)
-for God to search me and know my heart, to convict me to repentence so that I might be readily available to others in their needs
-for opportunities to minister and speak truth and His word to the hurting and the broken
-that I might be changed through this experience to have a deeper relationship with Christ
-that I may confidently hide His word in my heart (memorization is hard for me)
-for my pastor and his wife as they prepare to teach at the conference
-for the annointing of the Holy Spirit and the manifest presence of God to transform hearts, minds, and wills
-that I would be free to intercede for others without fear
-for boldness!

Thank you so much for reading this......thank you to each of you who have been instrumental in my spiritual upbringing......thank you for bearing my burdens, thank you for raising me in truth, thank you for speaking to me in love, thank you for lifting me up in prayer.......thank you for being my brothers, sisters, father, mother, friends, and confidants....I know that God will prepare me and use me to the glory of His name! Thanks for walking this journey with me......

May Christ bless each of you richly according to His great and unfailing love!

Ha Det Bra (Goodbye, take care of yourself)

Sisters (or: you mess with her, you mess with me me!)

"My sister and me, treasurers of each other's childhoods, linked by volatile love, best friends who make other best friends ever so slightly less best." Patricia Volk

"You and I are tied together by years of misunderstandings, cross words, icy silences, laughter, hugs, tenderness, and love. All of those strands are twisted into a knot that nothing will ever, ever break." Ellyn Sanna

"It's hard to be responsible, adult, and sensible all the time. How good it is to have a sister whose heart is as young as your own." Pam Brown

"I find that as I grow older, I love those most whom I loved first." Thomas Jefferson

"The bond that joined us lay deeper than outward things; the rivers of our souls spring from the same well!" Po Chu-l

"So many shared memories rest between sisters. Some, like a sleeping grizzly bear, seem best left undisturbed. While others can fill a rainy afternoon with laughter and sunshine." Melody Carlson

"Today is far from Childhood - but up and down the hills I held her hand the tighter - which shortened all the miles..." Emily Dickinson

"You mess with her, you mess with me!" Maria Smedstad

"Sisters are....a port in each other's storms." Elizabeth Fishel

"Help one another, is part of the religion of our sisterhood." Louisa May Alcott

"Sisters....help each other stay in good relationships, get out of messed up ones, pick up and start over again." Linda H. Hollies

"The only time you look down on me is when you're picking me up from the floor." Maria Smedsted

"A sister is one who will pick you up when you are down. If she cannot pick you up she will lie down beside you and listen." Unknown

"If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." Linda Sunshine

"One day you are wanting to rearrange her personality ever so slightly.....but the bottom line is this: you will always love her, no matter what. Unconditionally." Whitney Otto

"However frank you might think you're being with friends, honesty reaches a different level between sisters." Sandra Deeble

"If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's probably wearing your best sweater." Pam Brown

"We were threads of the same cloth...when blended together it turned into the most beautiful of fabrics." Diane Burke

"Sisters are like different instruments in a band, or different voices in a chorus, because you are not exactly alike, you harmonize in beautiful ways." Margaret Lannamann

"A sister is like a mirror in which you can see a part of yourself reflected." Joan Walsh Anglund

"Our siblings resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing." Susan Scarf Merrell

*for Laura and Deborah whom I've known their entire lives.....you are each so precious to me and I thank God for you daily....what would I ever do without you!

*for Michelle who has been added to our "sisterhood" by marriage.....we love you the same - unconditionally.....we are proud to be the sisters you never had....happy birthday!

*to my friends along this path of life that know me well and love me even though you know me......we are sisters by the thread of Christ and family in His church: Kim Howard, Meg, Julie, Charissa, Carol Grubbs, Carol White, Larissa, Aubrey, Kim DeGuido, Jenn, Dana, Sherry, Sarah Mark, and Jessica!

*to my girls at work whom I spend countless hours with, toiling side by side and day by day - thanks for putting up with me and making my job and coming to work a joy and pleasure: Mary Ellen, Denise, Katherine, Catherine, and Bridgette!

I would never have made it this far in life without all my girls! Thanks for your love and faithfulness! Sorry if I forgot anyone!

Swan Lake and Meeting AP

What a great weekend! My friend, Larissa, invited me to "get away" for a day before Easter. We left on Good Friday and drove to the Georgia mountains to a quaint Bed and Breakfast owned by a very hospitible Christian couple. We had a wonderful time of being catered with scrumptious food, playing backgammon, worshipping with voices and guitars by a fire that never quite got going (but not for lack of trying, mind you!), Larissa falling in the muddy lake, beautiful weather, and excellent and much needed quiet time in amazing surroundings and in the presence of God.....we felt blessed and refreshed!

Then it was off on a road trip to Knoxville to see a performance by one of my favorite artists, Andrew Peterson. I've followed his songwriting, journals, concerts, blogs, Rabbit Room, and now bookwriting, for a long time. His songs have convicted my spirit as well as made my heart soar with praises. His blogs have brought me to tears as I relate to the way he is real about his shortcomings while at the same time, exalting the One who loves us most. I've been to a few of his concerts in the past and they have always been memorable. I've recommended his music to tons of people and have gifted his Christmas album to many: Behold the Lamb of God. Recently, I've followed the making of his latest album entitled: Resurrection Letters, Vol. 2.......

The concert was just him on the guitar and Ben Shive on the grand piano. He told background stories of songs I've loved, he talked comically in between songs, and he played new songs from the upcoming album. My favorite was a song called "Hosanna", which I learned means, "Save us!" It always seemed like the people crying "hosanna" were praising him, while instead they were shouting for salvation! What a difference that makes. Needless, to say, I cannot wait for the album to come out.

After the concert, at a smallish church in Knoxville, I decided to try to meet Andrew. Surprisingly, it was quite easy, and he was quite pleasant (although shorter than I had thought!). I told him that I had driven from Atlanta and that I felt that I already knew him from reading so much of his heart and thoughts online. I expressed my excitement for the Rabbit Room and told him how much his music and journals have meant to me over the years. I talked to Ben too, and told him how much I appreciated his hard work to bring together AP's albums. His piano playing is amazing! He's been working on his own album for 2 years now.

I bought AP's first book, released four days prior: On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, and asked him to sign it. He wrote: Kristen, beware the toothy cows! AP

We drove home and got in late, but rose excited for the early sunrise Easter service at 7am outside. I felt so much joy on this Resurrection Day. So much life. So much peace in the presence of my Savior.

He's alive! He is risen! The tomb is empty! He was risen to rule, to rescue, to return, and to restore! Thank you Lord for an amazing and memorable weekend of showered blessings! Thank you for the gift of Your Son, Jesus Christ, for His death and resurrection. Thank you that you have allowed me to be a dwelling place for Your life and Spirit!

Thanks AP for sharing your gifts of music and words! Thanks Larissa, for your friendship and time!

Peace of the Risen Christ to all!

Community Living

I've been thinking a lot about community lately, since a recent visit to Charlotte, NC. I've always been drawn to community. I was raised in an environment of people that called themselves the "community". I have lived to experience and taste true community and sadly witnessed false community as well.

To me, living in community is like the representation of the biblical, early church described in Acts 2:42. The component I believe we, as humans, trying to be better than we are, often miss is real transparency (for lack of a better word), vulnerability, and humility. So often we try to create groups of believers that get together to see who is wearing the nicest suit of fig leaves. We compare ourselves by who has it most together, who knows the most scripture, or who has sinned the least lately. We continue to try to modify our behavior, instead of letting the Divine Healer modify our hearts.

My point is this: all the behavior modification in the world will never change our hearts (I think Derek Webb says this in "The House Show" - excellent album). Jesus however, will change our hearts. Until we are willing to surrender, submit, and relinguish ALL control to the One who loves us most, only then, can we begin to experience true community with one another.

Then we can let another soul into our mess. Then we can truly testify and boast in our Savior. Then we can unwaveringly trust God's will and direction. Then we can more clearly hear His voice, even when it is a whisper. Then we can gloriously edify, love, sharpen, challenge, and correct one another in the body of Christ. Then we can boldy speak to one another truth in His love. Then we can joyfully serve each other and anticipate the needs of those around us. Then we can unabashedly step out in faith to love our brothers and sisters no matter how different. Then we can see the face of Christ, feel the love of the Father, and know the power of the Holy Spirit.

True community is being willing to love another unconditionally, serve another unselfishly, know another completely with all faults and darkness, and live together in honesty and harmony, all the while pressing on toward the goal of knowing Christ Jesus and the power of His death and resurrection.

I long for this type of relational community here in Atlanta. I grieve it's loss with my move away from Charlotte. I'll strive to find the "kindred" spirits that resonate with this ideal. I'll recklessly abandon myself to Christ in the waiting, and more so in the finding.

From a recent blog by Matt Conner:

In Ephesians, Paul prays for us to understand a few things about God and His Kingdom - one of those being “his vast inheritance in the saints…” That single line made me pause and seemed to flip everything around, suddenly causing miles of other passages to make sense (at least to me). The riches are His people. The inheritance to come can be found in the people being saved around us. Indeed, God’s most prized creation - man and woman - is indeed the treasure that Heaven will be full of.

Thus, you are my treasure, like it or not. And dreaming of “flying away” only keeps me from appreciating the beauty of you.

“The closest thing we have to Jesus on earth is one another.” Randall Goodgame

"To get in touch with the Creator, to truly appreciate Creation is to spend time with humanity." Eugene Peterson

Same God, different building!

This is most of Mt. Tabor Christian Church (thus far)! We have been meeting in the basement of the pastor's home since March, 2007. God has blessed us with a new location that has windows! Although that can be distracting, I love seeing the sunshine! The outdoors remind me of God's majestic sovereignty and glorious beauty! The restaurant where we meet is a quaint upscale Italian Bistro called Quanto Basta, located in Cumming, GA. Check out our website: www.mttaborchristianchurch.org

So, we are few, but we are strong because of the bond of Christ. We have come far on this journey as a church and God has moved mountains to develop our characters. He has taught us about grace, mercy, loving one another, the judgment seat, the power of the Word, our spiritual gifts, ministry and service, the gospel, our sinfulness, His love, repentance, forgiveness, bearing each other's burdens, relationships, and reconciliation. But mostly He has brought us to the cross to learn more about His Son, Jesus, that He chose to die for us "while we were still sinners", so that we might experience the abundance of His resurrected life!

The biggest thing I've learned this year is the balance between knowing Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. They are inseperable. It is imperative that we KNOW Christ in order to truly be led by the Spirit of the Living God, because the entire purpose of the Holy Spirit is to point us to Christ. (but that's another blog entirely)

We've only just begun and I am excited to watch expectantly as God continues to move in us, for us, and through us. He is mighty, holy, unchanging, beautiful, and sovereign. He is my first love and I will dance before my King. Praise the Lord for the wonders He has done. Press on Mt. Tabor! Rejoice in the truth of our Living God! Amen and amen.....

>"I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King.....and I'll become even more undignified than this......some may say it's foolishness...." Matt Redman