So I haven't "blogged" in a while and have no excuse except: facebook! But after revisiting the idea, I thought maybe it would help me record and process. So, here I am again. I would say that I have been struggling lately. That life has been hard and taken a toll on my spirit. That I seem to have symptoms of things being wrong spiritually, but can't pinpoint the exact issue, distraction, or area of bondage. I know that I have been searching more than ever, listening harder than before, quieting my spirit, shifting my focus, redirecting my gaze, examining my heart, and begging Jesus to transform my mind! I will say this....it's HARD to follow Christ!
The idea of community is something that I long for and maybe a concept for another day, but it seems so far out of reach. Maybe I fantasize what true community would look like. Maybe I daydream about brothers and sisters that truly meet one another's needs and act out of love instead of selfishness. Maybe that's not so far out of reach as I think it is. But I do know that I feel lonely as a follower and am desperate for kindred spirits to walk daily with.
But despite my complaining and struggles, and "out-of-sortness"....this I know for sure: that I am called to FOLLOW HIM! No matter the cost, no matter the hardships, suffering, rejection, abandonment, thistles, thorns, storms, clouds, and pain. That through it all, I will be able to say: I HAVE found a joy....that jumps over sadness! His promises are real. His love is complete. He has known and felt everything that I am afflicted with. He offers me fullness.
I don't know the next step of this journey. I am asking for a place to fit in, for a community to plug in to, for an assignment to serve. But in the meantime, in the quiet and secret place, He beckons me and says: "Kristen, you belong to Me!"
Yesterday, as I was worshipping from a pit-like place, I felt the Lord ask me: "If there were no one else beside you, if you had no one, would you still worship Me?" Through tears and conviction I knew He was asking me if HE WAS ENOUGH! And I cried out in desperation and heaviness and exclaimed: "YES, Lord! Yes!" That was a huge breakthrough for me, even though the truth is that I do have people beside me.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine had a vision of me walking along a beach and coming to the land's end at the ocean. I had to choose whether to go right or left. I thought about this vision and had two ideas. One, that walking in the sand is hard and that's how I had been feeling for the last six months. And two, that either way the Lord led, right or left, would be beautiful, because I would be walking in His will and along the shoreline! His ways are always beautiful. I don't have an answer to "which way" to go yet, but in the secret place, He is speaking, and leading, and guiding, and healing my broken heart. I want to follow Him wherever He leads, with abandon, without compromise, with confidence! I know that means looking different than the world, and I am ready. Higher UP, Lord and further IN to Your mighty, awesome, manifest Presence!
"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."" ~Isaiah 30:21,22
